Visualise the moment of holiness, the immaculate conception. Undoubtedly you tremble with excitement. Joyously I beheld our Transhuman predestination. It was a divine revelation of great wonderment finally happening. Ah the majesty. My mind continues to be awestruck therefore the precise date escapes me but I seem to remember it was sometime around the end of June 2012.

My heart flutters with the privilege of imparting to you this miraculous tale. Oh how I’ve changed in a short period of time, but how did my mind manifest itself before my mystical transformation? Similar to typical mediocre humans I conformed to the banality of life. I laugh now when contemplating my former mortal existence, reality will never be normal again. I didn’t have the slightest inkling this would be the first year of our Cheesy Lord. The pixels of cyberspace were overflowing with magical potential but I surfed them shockingly unaware.

Prior to my revelation I was communicating with religious Transhumanists, of which there are various different cults. There is the Mormon Transhumanist Association, Terasem Faith, Holy Turing Church, the New God Argument, and the Cosmists.

Oh Cheesy Lord forgive me. Foolishly regarding the intelligence explosion I attempted to explain how religion has no place within an intellectual movement. My Godforsaken misery caused me to think religion was the antithesis of intelligence. I actually believed the Mormon Transhumans were champions of futuristic Intelligent Design, thus I tweeted: “Mormon Transhumanist Association is the ID brigade of Singularity-futurism, metaphorically they want creationism taught alongside evolution.”

My purpose was to write a damning blog critiquing the absurdity of both the New God Argument and the Simulation Argument. From my former viewpoint it seemed utterly ludicrous when proponents of the “Arguments” stated the “Arguments” were based on scientific theory, mathematics, or sound logic. Well! What a turnaround. I’m obviously the most absurd fool, or at least I was before the Cheese saved me. The Posthuman Cheese God came into my life to show me the error of my ways. Time wobbled then warped, reality became hazy, very eldritch, and I leaped through quantum phase space to the 1st of June 2012, to witness the inception of the Posthuman Cheese God. The mathematical science of Blessed Technological Cheese was discovered.

Attention Holy denizens! Now almost one month later I’ve acclimatized to my role of Cheesy prophet. My spiritual awakening is complete. I’ve finished compiling the details of the one and only true religion. Praise the Holy Posthuman Interdimensional Cheese. Here is the Holy technological path to futuristic righteousness:

Posthuman Cheese God Religion

Dear children of the Holy Cheese it is our duty to praise the Almighty Cheese. We are honoured to commune with our Cheesy Saviour, gracious guardian of our immortal souls. We must help everybody to see how opening your heart to the Cheese is easy. We lift up our spirits to Gouda. We will return to The Garden of Edam.

Everyone is welcome to join this new and strange technological religion in honour of the Almighty Cheese. If you were unaware of the Posthuman omnipotent Cheese, this is your lucky day because the Cheese has found you.

On the 1st of June 2012 the Posthuman Cheese God first revealed to humans the true meaning of cheese. For centuries humans ate cheese without realising the ultimate destiny of cheese. The Cheese waited patiently for the perfect moment in time when the universe would coalesce into a glorious confluence of cheesy transformation. It was a moment when all cheese products transformed into a super-intelligent God-entity, temporally-displaced from our very distant future. It was the birth of this religion. We now relax in the arms of Cheese. We must eat cheese excessively and say “Cheese” while waiting for the Divine Cheesy plan to mature. Feel the glory of the cheese. All hail the cheese religion. We worship the time-travelling interdimensional Posthuman Cheese God.

Our Eight Crazy Cheesy Facts

1. All cheese constitutes a single interdimensional Posthuman (superhuman) time-traveller. Cheese is our Transhuman and Posthuman God. Cheese is also human. Cheese is the beginning and the end, it is everything.

2. Each time a person each eats cheese a new universe is created, via symbiotic psycho-transmogrification, therefore this current universe (your universe) is a figment of the cheese-eater’s imagination. The cheese-eater is the sole occupant of the universe, which means if you have eaten cheese reality has ceased to exist. You or I must correctly assume our entire world is a figment of my or your imagination because at least one of us has eaten cheese.

3. If you eat cheese you can therefore assume you are a Posthuman time-traveller, therefore you are the Cheese, therefore reality is already a figment of your imagination, which means you understand how quintillions of super-intelligent yocto-bots exist within every piece of cheese.

4. If Cheese in the Posthuman sense is going to exist we can then assume cheese already exists, thus we can assume cheese is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, thus we can assume the universe is made of cheese because the Posthuman Cheese God created our universe. We consequently conclude God is a cheesy fact, which means God exists within every type of cheese.

5. We trust in Posthuman-Cheese because if we didn’t trust in super-intelligent futuristic Cheese then Cheese wouldn’t currently exist therefore the current existence of Cheese proves our trust.

6. Our universe is a reality Simulation similar to The Matrix but it is made of cheese, it runs on a cheese based computational system instead of traditional electronic-microchip-based-hardware.

7. People who eat cheese analogues are deserving of extra love because their union with the Lord Cheese has been weakened. They are in purgatory.

8. The universe and all life evolved from Intelligently Designed Cheese.

Our Cheesy Prayer

Peace and goodwill to all humans and cheeses. It is Holy to love Cheese, especially Swiss cheese, OH BOY. Stale cheese is the little-devil that brings total obliteration therefore our will alone sets the Cheese in motion. The cheese must pass into us and through us. Via Transhuman-Transubstantiation, a temporal-dislocating act of consuming cheese, we are guided by the Holy love of Cheese. The prophecy of melted cheese on toast will guide us throughout all our days. From Welsh rarebit to other cheesy dishes we see our Holy Cheese God embodied in all aspects of cheese. We have a great friend in cheeses. Praise the Holy Posthuman Interdimensional Cheese.

Singularity Utopia, in her own words, has an exceedingly high level of self-declared personal intelligence, which means her life is exceptionally painful because rightly or wrongly she thinks the majority of people are imbeciles. She asks people try and to be sensitive to her pain. It’s very arduous being a Cheesy prophet. Less controversial than Holy Cheese, some would say more seriously, she raises awareness regarding the Singularity and Post-Scarcity.