strange things goin’ on, down in peru / people flyin’ through the sky / they might come down in a year or two  / then we all shall know the reason why . . .  

from “everybody’s movin’ to the andes” 

somerset mau mau, live larynx album        

just what the hell is going on, anyway? what gives, with the sudden emergence on the scene of so many emergency insurgents? from the psychedelic shamans to the lifespringers, from silva mind control psychics to the rainbow tribe, werner erhard to jane roberts, scientific occultists, pyramid seers, neopagans and subgenii; they all vie for a slice of the consciousness pie. men’s empowerment workshops are proliferating at a phenomenal rate (a sticky mess, for sure!) while the pop culture celebrates the age of the androgynous idol on screen and vinyl.

everyday life in the new age can be kind of spooky, with friends sitting closer to the door and such. in that spirit, i present a primer for operating the biocomputer in some of the tweakier manifestations of our popular brain, in this, the golden age of human potential.

best training — take control of your life by taking control of your bladder. pee freely, but only if you must.

neuro-linguinni programming — students are taught to make their own fresh pasta with tasty clam sauce, all under the watchful eye of a facilitator trained to interpret in storybook fashion, each student’s private psychodrama enacted in the noodle therapy, each student must share their noodles.

shamans without shame — is a support group for frustrated medicine men and women. through methods similar to those used successfully on agoraphobics, city-shamans are taught to shake their rattles and beat their drums, without feeling like assholes.

common groins — is a men’s group that strives for a “crotch consciousness,” achieved through regular empowering exercises such as chest-beating, heavy drinking, swearing and grab-ass. weekend seminars are held in wooded areas, where the students can shoot things and do more heavy drinking.

windspring lovecreek heartfelt bucksnort school — learn how to massage your toaster; find edible and downright tasty treats in a public john; train your kundalini to fetch the paper. fasting, slowing and nibbling programs are available.

a course in amazing — “everyday, in every way, i’ll do what someone else tells me to.” this powerful mantra contains the crux of the amazing teachings; a collection of 365 different things to think about; one for each day of the year. after a couple hundred days of amazing, you won’t want to think about anything else. good for you!

the nietzschshi’ites of north america — this group combines the philosophy of nietzsche with the wisdom of the Shiite muslims. one can consider the will to power while cleaning one’s sphincter with a small pebble.

the alexander the great technique — this is not an exercise system. students become aware of how they can learn to run, walk, talk and solve problems, just like alexander the great. successful graduates express feelings of “total power, “genuine impulses to “conquer the world,” some vague “sexual tweaks” and sudden proclivities to “ride horses with sweaty men. ” this one is hot!

ralphian massage — a big, muscular diesel mechanic comes to your home and rips your lips off.

church of the glowing swiss account — trade your luxury car for peace of mind and a grass mat in kildeer, north dakota. sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? the reverend jack dinero, ascended master and former cpa, has organized a permanent retreat for those ready to take the big step toward total self-immolation. act soon; jack says he has a big surprise in store for his next 1,500 devotees. don’t be left out on all the fun.

these are just a few of the opportunities awaiting the true seeker in the new age. save your money and choose carefully, if none of the above strikes your fancy, consider sending a donation (be generous) to the   somerset mau mau institute of meta-flux programming and tweak crisis center, we will do the rest.

For real, today, 2012!!!    Check Out Mau Mau’s Golden Tweek sale! RIGHT HERE!